Social Hell
Purgatory
Since adolescence, that moral baptism by unholy fire
From then I couldn’t be touched
I couldn’t see I couldn’t trust
Men who wanted only sex
Since adolescence, that moral baptism by unholy fire
From then I couldn’t be touched
I couldn’t see I couldn’t trust
Men who wanted only sex
Women who wanted only men
Everyone out for themselves
Myself least of all who wanted
Those lies from behind which to hide
New eyes from behind which a black painted glare
Met with none but meant to scare
Even on my notebook paper
Countless pairs of sightless almond-eyed stares
From inhuman entities and empty faces turned inwards angry towards
Others because of my fear of being seen
Locked eyes means no escape
And this more so inside enfolded arms
People who met me began to comment
She never looks you in the eye
And she doesn’t like to be touched
People who knew me began to say
You make me feel bad you know
You kind of worry me
You kind of scare me
But they say in my childhood
Don’t trust strangers and don’t you dare let anyone touch you
Maybe I remembered the advice too well and those stories
Everyone out for themselves
Myself least of all who wanted
Those lies from behind which to hide
New eyes from behind which a black painted glare
Met with none but meant to scare
Even on my notebook paper
Countless pairs of sightless almond-eyed stares
From inhuman entities and empty faces turned inwards angry towards
Others because of my fear of being seen
Locked eyes means no escape
And this more so inside enfolded arms
People who met me began to comment
She never looks you in the eye
And she doesn’t like to be touched
People who knew me began to say
You make me feel bad you know
You kind of worry me
You kind of scare me
But they say in my childhood
Don’t trust strangers and don’t you dare let anyone touch you
Maybe I remembered the advice too well and those stories
With a little girl’s fear
Hypnosis
The puppeteer’s sway over the victim doll’s lifeless form and frozen eyes
Medusa Nagaina Dracula
Over time the interpretations of the stories changed and I saw another monster
I saw myself as the sinner and among the damned
The vampire
with the curse of fatal eyes and lethal touch
with the endless crave for humankind
That seemed now less terribly demonic and more often in my life terribly angelic
Once I had no faith in grace and now grace overwhelmed
Any compassion bestowed for my favor
Any companionate hand on the shoulder
Felt sudden
Unexpected and undeserved
I jumped I gasped I shuddered
I wondered whether something was wrong
Psychologists seem to agree
My fear and awe of fiery spirits ignited the social anxieties
I could accept the diagnosis to a degree
And the study that said impossibly sustained eye contact indicates true passion
That Psychology said I couldn’t know love
The most intimate bond between two people ever
The professor reveled to my revulsion
You don’t understand it or how else could you argue to defend a brother at the cost of a lover
Head hanging blood boiling I thought of Raskolnikov who saved his sister while ashamed
To know the possible truth of a school girl’s fear
Helplessness
To be deemed incapable of human devotion
Observed at best as could be
By one apparently with only impulse and instinct
Who received grace that I could only poorly reflect
In the mirror I asked
But this façade for whose protection
It was only me afraid of my reflection
My fear and awe of fiery spirits ignited the social anxieties
I could accept the diagnosis to a degree
And the study that said impossibly sustained eye contact indicates true passion
That Psychology said I couldn’t know love
The most intimate bond between two people ever
The professor reveled to my revulsion
You don’t understand it or how else could you argue to defend a brother at the cost of a lover
Head hanging blood boiling I thought of Raskolnikov who saved his sister while ashamed
To know the possible truth of a school girl’s fear
Helplessness
To be deemed incapable of human devotion
Observed at best as could be
By one apparently with only impulse and instinct
Who received grace that I could only poorly reflect
In the mirror I asked
But this façade for whose protection
It was only me afraid of my reflection
Pentecost
Now I see everyone aflame
Each a blinding, searing presence
I cannot touch and I cannot bear to look directly
into their eyes
They strike me when they stare
A blow to the back of the neck and a toxin into the brain
I cease to speak and my head falls toward the ground
They must look down on me, I’d even prefer it.
I can’t face my friends and family of twenty years or strangers of twenty seconds
I can never know what anyone’s thinking
That I’m shy, aloof, or autistic
as one with a dark nature in their eyes, and I feel so against the brightness of their blaze
Their frustration burns less than their warmth
Their hospitality that embarrasses the unworthy
The fast-formed friendships so ridiculously misplaced
The gestures of affection so fascinating
Frightening and intolerable
Kindness too intense and brightly blazing
Gentleness white-hot and searing
People must be appraised like a fire
Dangerous their beings blinding in shining
As Ishmael says of their august dignity
That demands respect and caution
Always have a way of escape
And stay away from the blaze
Transfiguration
But there was a double take in passing
I thought I saw something in him
That burned my face and clouded my thoughts
All that I allowed as a sacrifice
Before the shrine
Kept lit the lamp
He discovered through silent confession
But because I was phobic of all kinds of fire
He decided to treat me with exposure therapy
Now I see everyone aflame
Each a blinding, searing presence
I cannot touch and I cannot bear to look directly
into their eyes
They strike me when they stare
A blow to the back of the neck and a toxin into the brain
I cease to speak and my head falls toward the ground
They must look down on me, I’d even prefer it.
I can’t face my friends and family of twenty years or strangers of twenty seconds
I can never know what anyone’s thinking
That I’m shy, aloof, or autistic
as one with a dark nature in their eyes, and I feel so against the brightness of their blaze
Their frustration burns less than their warmth
Their hospitality that embarrasses the unworthy
The fast-formed friendships so ridiculously misplaced
The gestures of affection so fascinating
Frightening and intolerable
Kindness too intense and brightly blazing
Gentleness white-hot and searing
People must be appraised like a fire
Dangerous their beings blinding in shining
As Ishmael says of their august dignity
That demands respect and caution
Always have a way of escape
And stay away from the blaze
Transfiguration
But there was a double take in passing
I thought I saw something in him
That burned my face and clouded my thoughts
All that I allowed as a sacrifice
Before the shrine
Kept lit the lamp
He discovered through silent confession
But because I was phobic of all kinds of fire
He decided to treat me with exposure therapy
A hand on my back then the stiffened spine
Approaching from behind appearing at my side leaning
An elbow on my shoulder then the reflexive jerk
That became only a pulse and a hopeless shrug
And then it happened I could relax and respond
I could lay my hand over certain others and feel their flames
That were still far too bright
He lifted up my chin to behold a patient crafty smile
But I couldn’t lift my eyes that fell and rolled on the ground
You have to look at me to know me
But I knew your argument was flawed
No one can ever really know any one
Look at me he says
Why what goes through your mind when you make eye contact with me
My mind almost goes completely blank.
Why are you wasting your time I am going to hurt you why can’t you see that I’m scared
Of how I felt
That I too could feel a warmth
And I too could glow but then I came to think he wanted more than light
That I didn’t have
Like any other girl bold and bright and radiant
Instead of someone cold and shadowed and shifty
We didn’t really communicate well or naturally did we he mused
But for me it was really as ill and unnatural as with any
Had he thought my diffidence proved indifference
Had I thought he didn’t want me just
my body immolated
My skin peeling and receding
Until he would scatter my ashes
Borne away past the screens of space and time
No urn no relic not even another phone call.
For months as I paced over the coals
Until his circumstances heated
While mine had cooled
And it showed in confused reunion
I returned to his arms but we discovered
the convulsions resumed
Jilted had I become the traitor
Idolatrous had I become faithless
The phoenix he inspired from an ashen heart extinguished
Returned to the pages of mythology
A New Heaven and a New Earth
When I left the established past for an undetermined future
Away from the hometown going farther from those who were finally thought as near
I discovered new worlds where my behavior was not so alien
But in America it’s a sign of suspect character
Unable to face those I at once respect and too slowly meet
Sometimes led to exile
You’ve had the entire semester to be friendly and you haven’t been (I hadn’t been)
And everybody here knows it
You dumb bitch you creep me out and Alexis says you have Asperger Syndrome
Like Alan and Lizzie whom I used to know
Like autism but without dysfunction or disorder only differences
I could remember were heightened interests and lowered social expectations
Awkward but brilliant
Stuttering Alan explained
ADD is trying to watch the fly but there’s a million TV screens
Asperger’s is trying to watch the million TV screens but there’s a fly
I flew from the dormitory
I made my exodus from the Jewish girl and the rest of the tribe of Leah
I bowed out with a final inadequate offering
Since the Passover as in Egypt or like Arabia or India
Where men do not touch women and women do not touch men
My social inhibition could be perceived as honorable tradition
After coming to America an Indian man watched me draw a knife against another’s flirtation
My joking gesture to hide the reverberating of the familiar tremor
The other left and he commended my barbarism as a sign of culture
Like his own and from a friend whom he couldn’t hug
From whom such little affection would ever be felt and never to be met in a glance
But before parting Kirankumar extended his hand
And grasping
I realized divine mercy and sensed a transcending covenant
Steam rising from my downcast eyes
Rapture
I believe again in eternal flamesAway from the hometown going farther from those who were finally thought as near
I discovered new worlds where my behavior was not so alien
But in America it’s a sign of suspect character
Unable to face those I at once respect and too slowly meet
Sometimes led to exile
You’ve had the entire semester to be friendly and you haven’t been (I hadn’t been)
And everybody here knows it
You dumb bitch you creep me out and Alexis says you have Asperger Syndrome
Like Alan and Lizzie whom I used to know
Like autism but without dysfunction or disorder only differences
I could remember were heightened interests and lowered social expectations
Awkward but brilliant
Stuttering Alan explained
ADD is trying to watch the fly but there’s a million TV screens
Asperger’s is trying to watch the million TV screens but there’s a fly
I flew from the dormitory
I made my exodus from the Jewish girl and the rest of the tribe of Leah
I bowed out with a final inadequate offering
Since the Passover as in Egypt or like Arabia or India
Where men do not touch women and women do not touch men
My social inhibition could be perceived as honorable tradition
After coming to America an Indian man watched me draw a knife against another’s flirtation
My joking gesture to hide the reverberating of the familiar tremor
The other left and he commended my barbarism as a sign of culture
Like his own and from a friend whom he couldn’t hug
From whom such little affection would ever be felt and never to be met in a glance
But before parting Kirankumar extended his hand
And grasping
I realized divine mercy and sensed a transcending covenant
Steam rising from my downcast eyes
Rapture
No matter where I run I recall the embers
Individual lights of the heavens as distant as I’ve ever preferred
To walk the abandoned streets
Easier than to enter another’s life
Than to pass through their gates of hell
And easier still than to bear another’s glory
That I want to watch and perhaps to tend
With all I can give
Without my eyes before the gleam
Against my gloom
The haze and the smoldering
That makes me choke when I see another’s steady flare
I can only admire from afar
As I flee the apocalyptic judgment
After the burns I just feel a different kind of numb
Spring 2010
ReplyDelete